The way I miss you
is different from the rest.
My ache is different,
sometimes deep and
sometimes like a shadow
that will never leave.
Never leave.

Fuck.
I never know what's happening until it's
happening but by then I
don't want to know and I
don't want to talk about it and I
don't even know what to think about it but I'm
bad at ignoring the elephants
in the rooms
and the unspoken things
they tend to suffocate me
until I scream about all of it
​because I'm intense
and I'm bad at ignoring the unspoken things
and no one seems to hear the screams.
I just run. I'll just run.

I will plant seeds of light in patterns
     of spirals begun, round my feet
And I'll kneel at the altar of my soul
     at the doorway of my ripened mind
Until my pain and past have both
     lost all power, become welcome friends
With my shadows I will dance,
     twist and untie the multitudes
Of my forever revealing possibilities

And if no one hears me, I'll know
I have greeted and embraced
​the only one I could ever really know.

But I do miss you.
But my lungs couldn't breathe
     air full of shadows and secrets
     any longer.
And I might always dream
of a world where you could
come to surface 
and be seen.

The silence wore paths of self-hatred
    into my mind, into my soul.
But now I'm running laps of self-love,
    uttering praise and gratitude
    every second of every day
    to erase the damage of the worn down tracks.

My skin is not on fire with another's love anymore.
Now my soul is glowing, growing, 
    with the love I breathe into myself.

I dreamt that my house caught on fire.
I dreamt that my bass fell off a truck.  
The sun rose today.
I am 5 months sober.
I get to drink coffee today.
​
​No more sugar, please.

Kept at an arm's length,
I begged you back, and back, and back again
I was left to all my wondering
I can't stand it – all unknowns

You're hiding from 
                              me
I can't deal with mysteries
I can't see a ghost

This time I know
it's not my fault
I did my best
I grew, I grew, I grew
I grew away from you, away from you.

It's ok. Stay so far, so far away.
I'll be going, I'm going, I'll be going.
I turn away, you come closer.
I come near near, you turn your gaze.
​I got lost in the wearisome haze.

I love the piles in my room and
the piles in my head.
I get to things when I need to.

No distance ever broke me.
No silence ever killed me.

What a mess, what a mess, 
I tend to love it.

Your gaze – attentive, soft, intense.
Your touch – curious, present, steady.
Your heart – open, ready, reaching.

All gone. Fade to nothing.
The birds don't sing
                      anymore.