As much as I'll always deny it,
I've never felt anything like that.
Not even close. 
Maybe never again.

There's a hush to some moments,
these days.

Today I braced myself and
felt the force of the fear,
big and deep,
and away it went.

Today I thought of you,
​and didn't cry.

Another day.
A different view,
And the ebbing softens and glows.

You want to know what happens when
the pale one cannot breathe,
her heaving chest can take no air.

Flowers made of words trace
from nape to floor
in patterns that pair fire
and ice.

In stark contrast, she
is doused in gasoline,
then drawn to misty meadows,
no relief.

A beating heart,
pleading mind,
and barely
any sound, 
save for "please".

The places in between
are the places I must go.
I'll know when
to yield.
Short, brittle
moments,
need
sharp, focused
gaze,
and wide,
deep ears.

A drift,
adrift,
drift.

Hear the silence
​beneath it all.

There are rituals for solitude,
and rituals for company.
Just, for now I prefer
the arresting presence
of my own soul chanting,
"I am here. I am alive. I am light."

These parasites sucked the sanity
from my mind. Only
demons left to
run the show.
It's ok. It's
not like I don't know.
It's OK. It's OK. But
what's the difference?
Are they out or 
maybe hiding?
Is the freedom 
​in the knowing?

I don't remember what it feels like.
It hasn't even been that long,
but it feels like I never felt it.
I used to have a list,
now that list is empty.
I gave it all away,
gave you all away.
I don't know what this is,
but I know that I don't 
tolerate the same masks
as everyone else.
It's a curse, that's for certain.
I'd love to play the same games
as all of you.
I'd love to hide behind
fake smiles, a loveless marriage,
a job I hate, stagnant,
stale days, at a desk.
I wish I could take a class
on how to be as great
at pretending.

I'm not your steady drum.
I'm just a mirror that
​you wish were a window.

I cried so much I felt my head cracking in two
and I didn't care about the man who almost hit me with his car
or the woman who honked for so long I thought her horn was broken
or the fact that I won't sleep tonight.

I won't shove away any part of existing
just to feel like it's all a perfectly crafted image.
I don't want to be anyone's angel,
anyone's source for hope or security.

I'd rather show you your own ugly demons 
by facing my own
than have you keep staring, pretending
you know even the slightest thing about me.

I'll carve out my days in solitude,
if that's what it takes,
just to quiet the voices of
people who assigned their fantasies
to my twisted soul.

Go find your own peace of mind.
I only know how to find mine.

Let the waves fade.
​See what remains.