Except when he smiled....when he smiled, he looked like a goofy, joyful little boy.
And I am ravished. I have no words.
And now he was doing this to me. And he couldn't look away.
He knew exactly what he was doing to me, with just his eyes. Finally the door shut and I crumbled to the floor in a heap, and didn't move for minutes.
He let me drift away, not without storms, but still I drifted away.
I felt like the whole world was collapsing in on me. I felt tremendous amounts of guilt. I couldn't look him in the eye. And I couldn't feel my body. I was numb and breaking all at once.
When neither of us were speaking, he just waited and looked.
I asked him how that went for him, and his eyes dropped to the floor.
I faced out the window and vibrated with rage, wanting to tear the roof off the car.
I got on the train at 3am and cried for hours.
I didn't care I didn't care I didn't care.
I raged harder. I cried more. I got sicker.
I said "Not at my expense" and walked away. My phone died on the train. I cried on the train all the way back. The couple across from me on the train spoke too loudly about everything.
He knocked on the door and came in as soon as I opened it.
He just hugged me and held my hand.
I didn't care. I wanted to be left alone. I was lost.
The universe cracked.
I felt like I was falling and flying at the same time. He pulled away but kept his hands on my arms and watched me.
I wanted him to experience what I had experienced. He wouldn't look at me anymore. He always looked down or at his hands, or out the window.
I cried every time he left. I didn't cry the last time he left.
I went home and stared out the window at a tree. I saw him in the tree. I could feel him still. I could feel his eyes on me, looking through me.
I could feel her sorrow.
And he thanked me in advance for respecting his wishes.
And I still see him in my dreams.
Sometimes I write them, sometimes I share them.