It's the cracks in the walls that
hold me steady while my soul shakes, while forces of darkness and light tear me apart, in silence. And if his hands did move that way, his mouth another, and if his face held the angles of anger, I did entirely take that onto me through my pervious barriers of self. What self, what self? Without the transfers of others through us, what have we left, what have we left? What have I left? I have residue and fragments, a series of advances and retreats, a thorough progression of my repeated circles inward to stillness.
0 Comments
Oh, that I would know
the ways in which I am both separate and One with all the others: all the others are not me I am not them. Oh, but I am them, they are me. We are indeed All One. I've come to realize that
you're terrible for my soul. Oh, what a devastating thing to know. The way I miss you
is different from the rest. My ache is different, sometimes deep and sometimes like a shadow that will never leave. Never leave. Fuck.
I never know what's happening until it's happening but by then I don't want to know and I don't want to talk about it and I don't even know what to think about it but I'm bad at ignoring the elephants in the rooms and the unspoken things they tend to suffocate me until I scream about all of it because I'm intense and I'm bad at ignoring the unspoken things and no one seems to hear the screams. I just run. I'll just run. I will plant seeds of light in patterns
of spirals begun, round my feet And I'll kneel at the altar of my soul at the doorway of my ripened mind Until my pain and past have both lost all power, become welcome friends With my shadows I will dance, twist and untie the multitudes Of my forever revealing possibilities And if no one hears me, I'll know I have greeted and embraced the only one I could ever really know. But I do miss you.
But my lungs couldn't breathe air full of shadows and secrets any longer. And I might always dream of a world where you could come to surface and be seen. The silence wore paths of self-hatred
into my mind, into my soul. But now I'm running laps of self-love, uttering praise and gratitude every second of every day to erase the damage of the worn down tracks. My skin is not on fire with another's love anymore. Now my soul is glowing, growing, with the love I breathe into myself. I dreamt that my house caught on fire.
I dreamt that my bass fell off a truck. The sun rose today. I am 5 months sober. I get to drink coffee today. No more sugar, please. Kept at an arm's length,
I begged you back, and back, and back again I was left to all my wondering I can't stand it – all unknowns You're hiding from me I can't deal with mysteries I can't see a ghost This time I know it's not my fault I did my best I grew, I grew, I grew I grew away from you, away from you. |
WordsSometimes I write them, sometimes I share them. Archives
January 2018
|